Bad Flight Etiquette

By Chris

Today was a long one. To Atlanta and Back. Wednesday's are great travel days, for some reason. Pretty short lines. Lots of on-time flying. Problem is, my schedule for the day put me on small planes going and coming. I like the big planes. But, they only run at certain times back and forth to Atlanta. Other times, you get stuck on these small jets. Seats really, really close to each other. Not many seats. No first class. Less experienced pilots (the littler the plane, the younger the pilots). Frequent flyers are the best companions. They get it. Move quickly. Etc. Well, today, I get a woman who did not fall into that category. She gets on the plane late. With a gazillion things going on. Carry on bag. Purse. Shopping bags. Book. Magazine. She sits next to me. With all this stuff. Then she's TOUCHING me trying to put it all away. I don't like people touching me! And, she clearly ate garlic omlettes for breakfast and lunch. Because, she was hummin'! Right next to me. And, motion sickness (which I get) is triggered by odors. She was odorous! Come on! Don't do that when you're flying! Then, out of one of her shopping bags she pulls out a SANWICH PLATTTER. Not crackers. Not a little candy. A whole dang platter. Dipping sauce and all. I mean . . . did she really think that would be travel-friendly food! Elbows flying, lips smacking and arms rubbing me, she had a grand-'ol time eating her meal. Jeez. Get some chicken nuggets! Not a great big hoagie! It had onions and everything. Big fat onions that she had to slurp into her mouth. And, it was stinkin'. I had to keep my head on my book or I may have hurled on her. Really. After her sandwich was gone, she decided to finish her dipping sauce by scooping it up on her finger and sucking it down, making "umm" "ahh" sounds all the while. I mean, really, would it hurt her to just throw away that extra sauce. Yuck! She then proceeded to adjust her air vent and turn on her personal light with the same sucked-on spit-soaked finger she used to "eat." Gross!!!! I may never be able to touch the fan and light switches again after that experience. Did I mention she was sitting all of 1/4 of an inch away from me?! To top it off, the dude in front of me reclined his chair all the way to my lap. In small planes, you should have more sense than to RECLINE! Dude! When you look up and see somone's face, you are clearly in their lap and, as comfortable as that makes you, you should know that strangers are not really interested in having people doze off and snore in their laps. Oh yeah . . . he snored. Loud. I was waiting for a bugar to come flying out he was huffing and puffing so hard. I thought that plane would never land. And land it did. Really hard. Young pilots do that all the time. Wobbly approach and a big "bam!!" landing that jars everyone awake and provokes giggles. Of course, when it did land, the lady tapped me on the shoulder with her lickety-split hand to tell me something. I swear I tingled and saw stars thinking about her onion-garlic spit getting on my shoulder. I may have to throw the shirt away. Yuck. Creepy-germ-stank-funk thoughts all night now, I suppose. How foul! Then some dude met her at the airport and she gave him a big ol' too-much-for-a-public-place kiss. Tasty.