For History's Sake

By Chris

Since Lauren grew up without the benefit of this blog . . . and it is sort of turning into the official Green Family Diary, I thought I would capture some things about her younger years that must not be forgotten. She was a real trip as a kid! In fact, she was affectionately dubbed Maniac Kid by one of Teresa's friend, and it has stuck. For a while, "MNIACKD" was Teresa's vanity plate. Teresa will have to add some later.

Bonster Plant
Teresa had this big plant that Lauren, for some unknown reason, absolutely hated when she was a toddler. A rubber tree, I think. I swear, it was like the kid had some type of botanical sibling rivalry with the thing. She called it "Bonster Plant" (Monster Plant, for those not familiar with toddler lingo). And she would have fights with it. Really. Left unattended, she would attack her green, leafy brother, pulling the leaves off and breaking branches, then act all innocent when the evidence was found. I think she eventually killed it. We probably should have thought a little harder about giving her real-life brothers with this history.

You're Not Looking in My Mouth!
I didn't take her to the doctor often, but it sure was an embarrarssing nightmare when I did (heck, taking her anywhere had that potential when she was little). She could turn absolutely obstinate about the most simple request. Usually, it was when the doctor said "open wide . . . " She refused to do it. Every time. You could plead, threaten, plead again, beg, pull your hair out and scream . . . but she would not let a doctor look in her mouth. Some days, they would roll out all the kid doctor tricks on her too. The young kind nurse. The older firm nurse. Stickers. Toys. Nothing worked. And, the doctor and staff would get all snooty and irritated. That drove me crazy! I mean, of all the things a doctor does to you, why in the world would Maniac Kid not let them look in her stinkin mouth!! Many times, we left the doc's office defeated, never getting her to comply with the "open your mouth" request. Being very young parents, it would really freak us out (What's wrong with her? What if something in there needs looking at? We can never face that staff again!) Of course today, with some perspective, we would laugh it off and tell them "live with it, this child ain't opening her mouth for you so get over yourself and stop asking. We'll call you if we see anything funny in there!"

Brother Torture
O.K. This shouldn't surprise us after the plant. But it did. The Maniac's mischievious inner self showed itself early with her first brother, Nick. A couple of examples. Nick, like all kids, would cry about being in his room by himself. You know the drill. There's something in the closet, under the bed, in the wall . . . or whatever. Well, in Nick's case, the fears were real on some nights, thanks to his sister. We once caught her in the closet that ran next to his room, scratching on the wall and making noises! So, of course, he was freaked out that there was something in the wall. We realized, she was probably behind many of the nights when he "heard things," escaping back to her room before we arrived on the sceane. He also was very scared of crickets for a while when he was small. So, one night we opened his door, with him crying, to find crickets, which were apparently pushed under the door, and sitting there looking at him. All Lauren's work.

Up The Carnival Ride
Once, I took Lauren and Nick to one of those mall parking lot carnivals, without Teresa. Nick was pretty little, and not a real dare devil (which shouldn't surprise anyone who knows him). Lauren's a big dare devil maniac who'll ride anything anywhere to get a thrill. So, of course, Nick wouldn't get on anything, and Lauren was irritated about that. Eventually, we talked him into going on one of those big figure 8 slides, where you climb some stairs, then shoot out at the bottom from an enclosed tube. Not much different from something you'd find a an old park, just taller. After much analysis and observation of kids much smaller than him doing it, Nick gave in to Lauren's pleadings. Under one condition: She would stay with him the whole time. I was too big for the kiddie ride. Before they ascended the ladder, I looked at her real stearn and said "Do NOT come down without him!!" So, I waited anxiously at the bottom. Real anxiously. Teresa never would have signed off on such an adventure for her baby boy, and if this went wrong I was facing severe penalties. But, I also was excited to see Nick realizing that things like this are fun and exhilerating (I've since realized, with God's help, that you can't decide what exhilerates and motivates your kids . . . you have to figure out what does and emphasize and accept that it may be a bunch of stuff you don't get yourself, but can embrace!). So, I rolled the dice and trusted the Maniac to come through for me. I waited, and waited. Then . . . out shot Lauren. Solo. No brother. My head went all tinglely scared and mad at the same time. NO NICK! Where's your BROTHER!!!!!?????, I demanded. "He wouldn't come down," she answered, all casual. "What!! You were not supposed to come down without him. Where is he," I fired back. "At the top. He was embarrassing me," she replied, still all calm (she's always calm. Nothing flusters Lauren). Soon enough, the Carny at the top was calling down for someone to fish Nick out of the tube. He had started to slide down, but paralyzed by the fear of being alone without his trusty sister, stopped himself near the top. The only way out was to let go and come down. He wouldn't budge. Someone would have to climb up the tube all backwards and get him! "Climb up there," I told Lauren. "No way," she says. Of course there was a crowd, so I couldn't kill her. And the line was backing up, everyone looking at me. I never ever wear flip flops in public, but today I had. They do not work for slide gripping and climbing, so I flung them off and squeezed in the tube barefooted working my way up to Nick. The Great Freaked Out Kid on the Slide Rescue at Greenbrier Mall episode had drawn a small crowd at this point. By the time I reached him, my shirt was all up on my head and I was tired, sweaty and contorted unnatrually. We slid down together and Lauren . . . . LAUGHED AT US !!%%%&& To salvage the day, and hopefully avoid having Nick tell Teresa on us for stranding him in the slide, I took them to Blockbuster. In the store, Lauren yelled at Nick and snatched somthing out of his hand, freaking him out (he was on edge already of course), causing him to run to the emergency exit door and push it open. Fire alarms blaring, I dropped our movies and dragged them both to the car. In the car, Lauren asks, calmly, "So we're not getting a movie? It's all your fault Nick!" Ugggghhhhhh.